Garbage Pail Kids Flashback

I was a bit too young to get into Wacky Packages, but Garbage Pail Kids landed right in my wheelhouse. I've got a 400 count box of early series cards and I was pleasantly surprised to see this in the card aisle at Target:

This is basically GPK Heritage. It even has that silky Heritage wrapper that gets Thorzul all hot and bothered. Two bucks for ten stickers. Can't beat that with a dead cat. These are Retro-Cool Sticker cards with original GPKs from the '80s. That's what the wrapper says, why would it lie?

Unlike the originals there are inserts and parallels in this sucker. Parallels come in these flavors:

Gross Green 1:2
Punk Pink 1:3
Silver 1:6
Gold 1:42

Why it isn't Sick Silver and Grody Gold, I don't know. Easy come in three flavors as well - Easy, Damn Hard and Effing Impossible:

Motion Card 1:8

Sketch card 1:229
Print Plates 1:1,790

I'm guessing a motion card is some kind of lenticular Sportflics kind of thing. PRess plates are press plates. If you ever pull one it will be a yellow plate of a puzzle back. Sketch cards are the inserts you want. Topps is selling Wacky Packages boxes with a Jay Lynch sketch in every box and I'm so damn tempted. Unfortunately I just dropped two Franklins and a Jackson on a new pair of glasses so that will have to wait. 1:229 packs is just low enough to give you the false sense that it is actually obtainable from your average Target gravity feed box. I got this pack realistic about my sketch chances but really hoping for one of my favorite originals like Adam Bomb or Alien Ian. Let's see what I actually got.

On the MARK

As you can see, Topps made these distinctive with the single ugliest border in the history of humanity. In Night Owl terminology, this is "The DC Cab Set".
I've got the original of this one and it is much grosser if you imagine that Mark is unscathed due to the massive load he dropped in his drawers.

Milky WAYNE

Dairy CARI

I was hoping for 10 different stickers, but I gout double-Bipped in this pack hard. This one weirds me out more than it should. The face looking out over the teats is just... odd.

Rappin RON

RAY Gun

This is one original I never had, but always wanted, so these two basically made the pack a success. To all the people out there who like to argue incessantly about political crap on the interwebs be you left or be you right, the back of the card sums up my feelings toward you.

Sloshed JOSH

Low CAL

Another one where I have the original. My best buddy is named Josh, so I'm sure I called him Sloshed a few times back in 7th grade. Nowadays this card reminds me of Bonsai Kitty.

The back shows the assembled Green Border Puzzle of Two-Face as a child.

I have two-ninths of the puzzle. I shall likely never complete it with all the other backs in the set.

Finger-Paintin' FIFI

LIBBY Stick

This gruesome twosome is a LOST Garbage Pail Kid. No, not Sulking SAWYER or Hurlin' HURLEY or LOCKE Key, This one ended up on the cutting room floor.

This card was not published back in the '80s because it was too offensive. Children that age shouldn't be wearing makeup, what a little tramp.

 Drunk KEN Silver parallel

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As usual, a 'scarce' parallel is the same damn card with a different color somewhere on the thing. This one is not an original GPK, but an update of an original:

Boozin' BRUCE is still boozin' even though the years have not been kind and he's all gray with crow's feet now. Hell, probably BECAUSE he's all gray with crow's feet. The art here confused the hell out of me. At first I thought the poor barfed-upon dude on the right was a booger monster or something. Then I couldn't figure out why Ken had a booger trail going up to his mouth. Then I realized OMG THAT TRAIL IS GOING FROM HIS MOUTH TO THE BOOGER MONSTER'S - oh, wait, that's not a booger monster, it's a dude with puke all over him. Man, I'm getting old. Back in 7th grade a Garbage Pail wino blowing a Booger Monster for a bottle of rotgut wouldn't have fazed me.

After looking through this utterly kick ass overview of the set, methinks I have to find a few more packs of this stuff.